It is with some considerable pride that I can announce that I have been chosen from a shortlist of two, to deliver the traditional Christmas message to you, the nation because I understand that the other candidate is currently on holiday, which I believe is one of her (and her family's) favourite hobbies and pastimes, other hobbies include being head of state but there isn't much time for that what with the holidays and collecting and wearing jewels from toppled dynasties and avoiding paying tax whilst maximising 'ones' personal fortune.

It does seem a shame that there are so few truly 'royal' families around except for the other candidate and hers, who obviously benefit by being able to collect even more sparklies and baubles because of the paucity of other 'royal' bodies to dangle them from.

Just as an aside and before we break into a trot with this Christmas Broadcast thingy, have you noticed that the words 'dynasty' and 'dynasties' both look like two words bolted together? 'Dy' and 'Nasty' or 'Dy' 'Nasties' and that is what seems to happen to the ex-holders of the other candidate's growing stash of sparklies and baubles, makes you think doesn't it?

Well if anything happens to the other candidate and her family I would like to stake a claim for the great big Diamond that occasionally dangles round her neck!

So without the usual speech and personally with nothing prepared, I would like to launch into a Christmas Broadcast brought to you by those nice people at the BBC who have been very kind to me and spent an absolute fortune on this little broadcast, mind you when I asked if they weren't spending too much they said that what it was costing them this year was just a mere fraction of the usual cost and to be "absolutely honest luvvie," the cost didn't really matter because the TV Licence payers stumped up for it all anyway, they just made the Christmas Broadcast and then sold it to dozens of other countries, now that is good business if you can get it, don't you think?

Now I suppose I should mention 'family values,' do a bit on 'God' in a ecumenical fashion and sympathise with all the old, lonely and gloss over all of the other sad'os - well that is what I noticed all of the other Christmas messages have done since the first one, which was broadcast on Tv in about 1750 I believe from my research, then after that concoction of simulated feeling for my fellow human, it is off to an enormous lunch served by various flunkies in the bosom (apparently I can say that) of my vast family and an opportunity for all of us to get decked out in our finest sparklies and baubles.

So if you are alone, old, disabled or generally down in the dumps I feel sorry for you! Maybe you should have a crack at doing the Christmas Broadcast next year? The slap up lunch, expenses and general trolling about would ease your boredom, or better still you could spend the New Year working to change the rules so that everyone can get a share of the wealth and privilege that sloshes around the job of head of state.

You never know you could be head of the church and state and live in several nice houses, with a stable full of horses and grace and favour flats full of staff, if that life is anything like the one I have experienced doing this Christmas Broadcast then the only problem I see which you may encounter becoming head of state and enjoying the amazing perks, is the queue, because anyone in their right mind would want this 'job' at the top of the 'firm.'

Well here comes the end, and of course I should end on a tried, tested and traditional note; to each and everyone of you I wish you all a very happy Christmas and if you can all make a sustained effort, perhaps Christmas next year will be a happier one for more people.

Or we could try; I do hope that you all have a very happy Christmas this year and that you go into the New Year with fresh hope and confidence which I am sure will come if you buy my wonderful diary 'Getting Out' which happily is available from my website, at the link below.

To be honest you can take your pick, I'm off for the Turkey now! But do try to have a happy one and if you can't get Turkey this Christmas, try parrot I can assure you it is just as good! Burp!